Robot People Magazine

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

On Sunday, the Bishop County Police Force were unable to stop a man who had robbed a local bank after he activated God Mode, and walked away with the money through a hurricane of bullets.

The robber, identified as Kurt Harrison, 22, a native of Bishop County, entered First Liberty Bank at 9:50 am, and demanded that the teller give him all the money in the safe. Using a large handgun, Harrison was able to make off with over $100,000, but not before the police had been notified.

When Harrison exited the bank, he was face to face with ten cop cars and twenty cops.

“It was the weirdest thing,” said Officer Mitchell Galderon. “He saw us there, then he spun in a circle a few times, walked forward, then back then forward again, then he spun again. After that, a short chime noise echoed in the courtyard and suddenly, our bullets had no effect on him.”

It is now believed that Harrison had entered God Mode, making him impervious to bullets, rockets, and all other physical harm inflicted by others.

During the lengthy gunfight, officers noted that Harrison seemed to have an endless supply of ammunition. Luckily, all cops and bystanders who had been shot were quickly resuscitated by incredibly skilled paramedics.

After his escape, Harrison was later seen jumping dozens of feet into the air, running for blocks without getting tired, and making tanks drop out of the sky.

The orgy of violence finally ended when Harrison found himself on top of a large building, shooting at the police. He jumped off the side of the building, hoping to land in an alley and escape. Unfortunately, God Mode didn’t help him.

“All these young punks going around in God Mode, it makes them think they will live forever. They think they are invincible!” said Bishop Country Police Captain Tim Meddin. “How quickly they forget they can still be killed by high falls and drowning.”

A full police report is still pending.

Vocal activists have been quick to jump on the blame-video games bandwagon, none more so than infamous lawyer Jack Thompson, who released a press statement to anyone who would listen.

“See? All video games do is make kids impervious to bullets and gay! Gay I tell you!”

Thompson plans to file suit against Nintendo, Sony, Rockstar, and “television” for this horrible tragedy. Also, he will sue Starbucks, Marvel Comics, “rock climbing”, “tape” and someone named James Hedson, for no apparent reason.

Lev “Asimov” Shtrikman

Earlier this morning, Google, the Internet giant announced in an official press release that it will be updating its informal company motto from “Don’t be evil” to a more specific and controversial choice of “Don’t be Microsoft.”

Serge Brin, Google founder, was quoted saying that this new choice was “limiting and freeing.”

He noted that it placed new restrictions to the company that are being instantly felt. The new g-box gaming system has been cancelled and will not be coming out in the fall of this year and the two Google founders will be forced to get professional haircuts.

“Don’t be evil” was seen as some members of the company as implying that Google has many evil ambitions that are being only barely contained. Brin summarized, “We are not a demonic company thirsting to rob the elderly or kidnap children to work in dank salt mines. This announcement is about reassuring the public that we own very few salt mines and the ones that we do own are staffed by adults.”

He continued, “Plus it allows us to branch out to, yes evil projects, but not in a Microsoft evil way. We plan to enslave a few sovereign nations, only unpopular ones, delete the words equality and freedom from all languages, and develop a digestible form of internet that is nutritious and mandatory.”

“Many would consider this change to be a cheap shot at Microsoft for overcharging for barely beta software or abusing the user base, but no! This announcement is about welcoming a new era for Google. Google will never be Microsoft. Instead, Google will be everything but. Everything! Thank you and happy googling.

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

Jack Thompson, a controversial lawyer famous for suing gaming companies, has recently filed a suit against Valve, the makers of the popular Half-Life game series, in response to an accident in which Jimmy Halvares, 10, walked into a wall, hurting himself.

“The makers of the video game Portal need to be held accountable for this blatant disregard for the safety of children!” Said Thompson in a long, handwritten letter sent to the manager of a local Game Stop and a very confused Florida Senator who had never heard of the game.

“Jimmy’s young life nearly ended because he thought he could just walk through the wall! I demand an advanced copy of Portal, to see if there is any wall-walking!” Thompson’s letter continued.

When Valve was contacted, Co-founder Gabe Newell released this statement: “We really have no idea what Mr. Thompson is talking about. Portal has been out for months, and it is just a fun puzzle game. If a child was hurt, that is a tragedy, but there is no way it was due to our game.”

Halveras, who had to go to the doctor because of the bump on his head, confirmed Newell’s assertion.

“I’ve never even played Portal,” said Halveras, “I was hoping my mom was going to get it for me for Christmas, but she couldn’t find it. She said she would get it for me soon.”

Mary Halveras, Jimmy’s mother, added, “Portal is the kind of game I want my son to play. It’s just puzzles, right? I mean, there aren’t any guns, or really anything that isn’t good for a kid.”

Thompson seems to disagree. “This game is violence incarnate! You have springs on your legs so you can jump from any height and kick holes into people. You are being hunted mercilessly by a killer robot, who may or may not be from Hell! And that brings up all number of satanic overtones!”

“Has this guy ever even seen our game?” Newell asked, confused and frustrated.

Despite the family’s protests, Thompson is still suing the company. The manager of the Game Stop could not be reached for comment, and the Senator had just ignored the whole situation, as he had nothing to do with the matter.

“Valve must be stopped!” Yelled Thompson to a group of random people walking down the street. “What next? Kids standing in the way of balls of pure energy?”

“Also, I bet it probably makes kids gay too!” Thompson added loudly.

By Lev “Asimov” Shtrikman

Zach “Capek” Seemayer

Recently, video game legend Shigeru Miyamoto (the creator of Mario, Zelda, and most modern gaming) was unknowingly interviewed by a reported named Hesh, who worked for High Times, a popular pro-marijuana magazine. This interview is magical, to say the least.

Hesh: Today, I have the honor and privilege to interview Mr. Miyamoto. He invented video games. Hi, thanks for talking to me.

Miyamoto: Hello, it’s good to be here.

H: Lets get down to it man. You invented Mario. How crazy is that?

M: Uh, yeah. He seems to be the most popular video game character of all time. Well, at least since the pong paddles [laughs]

H: Dude. No seriously. You invented Mario.

M: Yes.

H: Wow.

M: …

H: I had this idea for a video game where this guy is like in this dream world where things aren’t real but they are real to him so that’s makes them real. It’s just like what you did.

M: Yes. Well, I guess in a way it is. I enjoy using fantastical elements in my story telling.

H: Yeah. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. They were fantastic. Like that flower man. It’s flower power. You get power from the flower.

M: The powers can add a lot of fun variety to game play. It’s a useful tool to break the monotony and keep the game play fresh.

H: So did the flower mean pot dude?

M: What? Oh, no, no. Those weren’t pots. It just looked that way. They were tube entrances. But I can see how you would make that mistake. I guess.

H: Dude. Donkey Kong. It’s all about some big jerk stealing Mario’s girl. Then that turtle guy stole her too. Who stole your girlfriend man? I’ll kick his ass. I know some guys.

M: What? No, no. It’s just a common story telling device. You know, loss, redemption, return. But thank you for your concern.

H: You know what I didn’t like about Mario? That big cop mustache. Cops make me all wiggy man. Ya know? Like, wiggy. Why did you have to give him a mustache?

M: Well, it was part of the technological limitations of the time. We needed to separate the pixels representing his nose and mouth.

H: Wow. Dude, the cops are like dicks though. Why did you have to give him a cop mustache?

M: Are you serious?

H: Dude. You know Kirby? He’s like if the munchies were a person. I’ve been hungry before. Like one time, I ate one of those giant if you eat it, it’s free burgers. Then threw up, and ate another one. And it was all free. Kirby is awesome and so funny. I wish I could become a rock by eating rocks. Trust me, you can’t.

M: Kirby is not part of my stable of characters. He was created by Masahiro Sakurai. He’s very talented.

H: Dude. I bet you invented him in your sleep or something and started talking it and he wrote it down. You’re so great, you don’t even know you’re that great. But you are. You are great.

M: Thank you, but no. I didn’t create Kirby.

H: Okay, but you made Zelda right? Zelda is cool, but you never give him the sword right away. Why do I always have to get the sword? You should start with the sword, but work to get a gun or start with the gun and work to get a really cool gun sword or something.

M: I’m interested in the hero’s journey and by giving him a humble beginning. I feel that this heightens the dramatic tension of his eventual rise to glory.

H: Wow.

M: Yes, we really do put a lot of thought into these games. Many talented people work very long hours to provide you with excellent game play.

H: Wow.

M: …

H. No seriously, wow.

M: Thanks?

H: You made Mario. How high were you?

M: What?

H: Dude. How high are you right now?

M: Super.

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

Lawrence Colberg- For a short time during Washington’s presidency, the state of Cargotown was named “king town” and Colberg was “owner” of Cargotown. Washington once recognized him as his “lord.” It was later discovered that neither Cargotown nor Colberg were real. They were products of Washington’s imagination. But, they are still considered influential in the grand scheme of things.

Howard Henry Herbert Hal Hopper- Known as the alliteration kid. However, this nickname wasn’t because of his own name, it was for the alliteration found in the names of the many, many women he killed. Because of this, he was only president for 2 weeks, and is often ignored by historians.

Schuyler Colfax- Although believed to be Vice-President of Ulysses S. Grant, he was a tricky bastard. In reality, the treacherous goon had murdered Grant, and had the real control of the white house, all the while pioneering the “Weekend at Bernie’s” method of tricksterism with Grant’s corpse. He didn’t even realize, until after the presidency, that the whole charade was utterly unnecessary because if Grant were dead, Colfax would have been president anyway.

By Lev “Asimov” Shtrikman

Things to say in the middle of a conversation to elicit a “What!?!” response:

“God, your eyes are freakishly close together.”

“I love that movie a lot (wink). A whole lot, if you get my drift.”

“I voted for Bush!”

“No, I don’t want any of your lunch, I have a pathological fear of biscuits.”

“So, my testicle descended yesterday.”

“Ever thought that you’re stalked by monks?”

“I’m wearing weapon-grade uranium pants.”

“For my birthday, I got a jug of sauerkraut.”

“You know what I hate? Dry humping.”

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

#1. Pi, although originally thought to be 3.14159… and so on to some unknown number or possibly infinity, is actually 54. Scientists just say its an irrational number and try to figure it out to the seven-billionth digit so they can have something to do on Saturday night while they are busy NOT having sex.

#2. Asians can drive better than any other culture, it’s the rest of us who can’t drive. We’re just judging them by our own incorrect, skewed perspective.

#3. Bill Gates once ate a vinyl record… for shits and giggles… very painful vinyl shits.

#4. JFK was gay. Jackie and Marilyn? Both dudes in drag. But don’t worry. It doesn’t make you gay to fantasize about dudes in drag, especially if you didn’t know. But it does make you bi.

#5. 17 of our presidents weren’t real people. They were highly sophisticated robots made of spit, newspaper and monkey fur.

#6. No one named Velma has been born since 1947.

#7. X, X, O, L1, L2, L1, R1, O, X, X, Left, Down, Right, Up, L1, L2, R1, R2, is the PlayStation 2 cheat for GTA3 to turn your character into jack the ripper and have him slash hookers with a meat cleaver and ornately decorate their bodies with their own intestines.

#8. OJ was actually convicted. The whites were just too afraid to piss off the blacks after that whole ‘LA Riot’ thing. All the photos of OJ golfing in Florida are doctored.

#9. An obscure passage in the constitution clearly protects a citizen’s right to hunt wombats with crossbows.

#10. Tin cans haven’t been filled with anything but spring-loaded foam snakes since the start of the Truman administration.

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

Bastille Day, observed on July 14h, is a French Holiday that celebrates the French Revolution and the Rebel’s attack on the Bastille prison.

5. Act like you’re culture is really great. Walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment just because you’ve got better food than England or Ireland. Ignore the fact that you’re most famous artist (Picasso) is actually from Spain and that you haven’t won any military conflict in the last 3 hundred years except against yourself. Forget to realize that, when the only person you win against is yourself, you still lost in a way.

4. Gather a group of drunken friends who have a vague, easily manipulated distrust of the Government and try to storm a prison. Don’t take “Stop or I’ll shoot you to death” as an answer from those stuck up Guards. They think they’re so great. They ain’t shit! Ain’t shit I’m tellin’ YA!!

3. First I like to gather together a bunch of cats from around the neighborhood and take them back to my house. After buying a bunch of K-Y Jelly, I raise their tails and get on my knees behind them. Then, with one quick thrust I-…wait… BASTILLE Day? Oh shit. My bad. I thought we were talking about Cat Sodomy Day. I was mistaken, that takes place on JUNE 14.

2. Fire works, ice crème, hot dogs, and a huge family gathering in a park or possibly on a lakeshore. Also, celebrate it 10 days earlier on the day of a REAL celebration of independence and freedom from an oppressive government.

1. Don’t do anything. Seriously, who gives a shit about Bastille Day?

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

When you need to hide your stash, for either transport or incase of raids, it’s understandable to stuff the happy dust up your bum, or in the walls. You could even stuff it down your throat, and crap it out later, although preferably not on your old gym teacher’s living room floor after you’ve broken into his house at 3 AM, strung out and insane after stomach acids burned a hole through at least one of the balloons you swallowed, allowing the narcotics to seep into your blood.
Anyway, there is a code of conduct for this. You can’t just go stashing it anywhere. So here are places to AVOID stashing your stash.

1. A kidnapped baby. Although the urban legend about smuggling drugs in the stomach cavities of dead, kidnapped babies is a classic, it’s generally looked upon as “excessively horrific” and “unbelievably fucked up”. People will, generally, hold it against you. Possibly even think less of you. Also, you will NEVER be invited to any more of your friends’ kid’s birthday parties.

2. Your NEIGHBOR’S ass. Stuffing them up your own ass is one thing. If you do it to someone else, that’s just a social faux-pas. As a rule of thumb, people don’t like things forcibly rammed up their ass without permission. You may think “But hey! It’s drugs! Everyone loves drugs!” Not up their ass.

3. Wearing the baggies like a little hat. Its not that it’s stupid, but little hats are just so out of fashion. No one wears hats now days. What do you think this is? The 1950s? NO! You wear a hat, and your just BEGGING to be laughed at by the drug smuggling community!