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Fight Club
A revolting film.
Reviewer: kenneth groom from Manchester, England.

Someone said that you either love or hate this film. Well I hated it. and I find it difficult to understand how anyone could do otherwise. It is an ugly, squalid, repulsive film about the dark side of human nature. Everything about it is depressing from the brutish thugs who spend their time bashing the hell out of each other, to the dirty, dank, derelict building in which they carry on their odious activity. And it’s unrealistic.
They would all soon end up in Intensive care with broken noses and their handsome faces reduced to pulp. And why should any handsome bloke volunteer to have this done to them? And suffer the pain that goes with it? It’s not only not realistic, it doesn’t make sense. 
Not only do I hate this film but I find it inexplicable that someone of the calibre of Helena Bonham Carter should be willing to appear in it. It can have done her reputation no good (in my opinion). From the beauty of Merchant Ivory to this pretentious rubbish. What a come down. However, I must admit I didn’t see the whole film; I was so sickened I couldn’t watch any more.
 

Now, this gentlemen isn’t stupid. His spelling is top notch with crumpets and tea. However, I am sure that he will be happy to hear that the divine Helena Bonham Carter did not appear voluntarily in the movie. The director cleverly crossed out “Fight Club” and replaced it with “Pride and Prejudice II” on her copy of the script. He is quite the dastardly villain.

A Clockwork Orange (Movie)
Violent
Reviewer: A viewer from North Carolina
This movie is full of violence every 5 minutes and should not be viewed by anyone. The director of this film, who is now dead, was definitely on some kind of trip when he made this film. It is a total waste of film and should be destroyed. Don’t waste your money or time …
 

So I guess you can’t include “Drink every time something violent happens” in the official drinking game, because it happens too often. That’s a shame. But this destroying things that you don’t like thing sounds like a smashing idea. If we could add booze to it, it be the replacement hip new party thing.

Thank god Kubrick is dead.
Reviewer: A viewer from Seattle, WA United States
I really have a hard time understanding all the raves about this movie. Most of the raves are from men. The type of men who would call “Thelma and Louise” a violent film.
I worked in a theatre when I was in college, and they had a showing of A Clockwork Orange. The audience for these showings was 100% male, most of whom looked like the kind of guys who couldn’t get a date and were extremely angry about it. A Clockwork Orange relieved some of that anger for them, especially the rape scene, which more than a few of them were chuckling at. These are the same morons you find on internet chat rooms - they’re such losers that they can’t show themselves in public. This movie, with its rampant miogyny, serves as vindication for guys who can’t get laid. So does the Howard Stern show. So does Maxim. And so it goes.
The author of the book by the same name was upset with Kubrick’s interpretation of his work - it was supposed to be an anti-rape, anti-violence book, and comes out as a pro-rape, pro-violence movie in the way that it glamourizes both behaviors.
I can’t agree more that Kubrick was “visually brillant” - however, in this case, and probably a few others, he is morally bankrupt.
 

“So it goes” is right. I met one of these rapscallions that the gentelemen is refering to, while walking home. I promptly took out my cane and beat him to an inch of his life. How did I know he was an evil practitioner of “miogyny”? He carried their unholy marker, the vile Maxim magazine. Luckily, I broke his spine before he could call the sacred Thelma and Louise a violent film. Though their arch lord Kubrick is dead, his minions still stalk the earth.
 

American History X
gives skins a bad name.
Reviewer: Christy from tennessee.

OK this is a good movie , it has a good story on rascial prejudice and how our own hatred only ignites violence after violence. But I was perturbed by the use of “skinheads” over and over again , and how they were all presented as shaved headed doc marten wearing nazi’s. The characters in the films were neo-nazis , not skinheads. True skinheads are anti rascist working class people who believe in unity and family support. Skinheads were given a bad name by movies such as this who portrayed all of us skins as people who shave our heads and wear swastikas , and the media also ignited more violence from blacks on skins because they thought anyone who shaved their head and claimed to be a skin was a rascist. This film does the same. Constantly saying skinhead over and over. Now the film is great to watch in terms of it’s message , but it still gives us skins a bad reputation.
 

Yeah, it really let the ball drop after the long string of uplifting skinhead movies like The Littlest Skinhead, Skinheads in love, The Skinhead King, and Casablanca: Remade version in which every character is a skinhead.

Of Mice and Men: dont read this book!,
Reviewer: An Amazon.com Customer
My english teacher read this book outloud to us. It was the worst thing ever. I feel asleep every day he read it because it was so boring! It seemed like it took forever to finish so dont read this book unless you want somthing really, really boring!
 

Was it totally the worst thing ever? One time my teacher like bored me to the extreme. I hate books! We should start a club!

Anyway, we were sitting, waiting to get word about my great grandfather’s rapidly-failing health. He had Alzheimer’s and dementia and a score of other ailments that actively worked against him. The situation was sad for everyone other than me. I remember sitting there; not really getting what was going on but knowing I should be sad, so I seemed sad. I think I knew, even back then, that making my parents need to comfort me distracted them from my great grandpa’s inevitable end.

Finally, the doctor came out. He was dressed in all white, and at the time he looked to me like he was in a white tux like James Bond or something. It was all very fascinating. He said something quietly to my grandpa, and my grandfather’s head needed, but his eyes were glazed with tears. One tear rolled down his rough cheek.

It was the only time I had ever seen my grandfather cry. It still is. I think that single tear cemented in my head the true importance of this situation.

Apparently, what the doctor had told my grandpa was that my great grandpa was very close to passing away, and he requested to see us. We all rose solemnly and shuffled into the dark room.
The only light on my great grand father was the soft glow coming off the lamp next to his bed. The light was not at a flattering angle, making every crevice and wrinkle in his face look like a canyon in a mountain. I remember how no one cared. Appearances had never meant so little.

We all told him we loved him. One by one he called out to us, wishing us the best. The sadness hung in the room like fog. Finally, he came to me, and summoned me to his side.

Slowly I walked across the floor to his side. I knew very well these could be his last words, and it tore me up in side. I loved him. I was good to all of us.

His breath was heavy by this point. It sounded like it would get stuck in his lungs, and he had to force it out. Between heavy breaths he told me his dying words.

“Jimmy,” he said to me, getting my name wrong. “Always remember: There’s more than one way to fuck a deer.”

Then he died, quietly.

Needless to say, I was confused. I was six or seven after all. I barely knew what that meant. I knew what I deer was, but it was a very awkward car ride home as my confused and angry parents tried to explain it too me.

The family all decided to ignore his last words. They were just the mad ravings of a delusional man on his death bed after all. They decided that what he said to me didn’t mean anything. That his last words to me were nonsense. Even when I was young, this made me feel slighted.

Eventually, the will was read. My grandparents were given the majority of his money, which was ample. My aunts and uncles were given various prized family heirlooms. My parents inherited the old cabin in the woods were he spent his winters.

I used to play in that cabin all the time while I was growing up.

I met my first girlfriend near that cabin during summer. We had our first kiss there. I had my first tragic breakup there. All the time, I never got those words out of my head.

“There is more than one way to fuck a deer.”

I spent many years trying to decipher the metaphor. Finally, I decided that he was trying to tell me not to give up when I faced a problem. There is always another way.

I used this metaphor for years. When I couldn’t get my head around a homework assignment in college I would just try to look at it from a different angle. When I got bored in life or a relationship, I would try something new, to keep the relationship the same, and yet fresh.

These words, while ignored and discounted by my family, rejected for inclusion on his tombstone, served me throughout life, and really got me to where I am. The words may have been embarrassing to others, but they changed my life for many, many years.

One day, when me and my wife were staying in the cabin for our third wedding anniversary, my father called me and asked me to try to clean out the attic, because he wasn’t going to be able to before winter, and didn’t want animals making nests up there. Of course, I agreed.

I was almost half done when I found a box of old photo albums. They showed incredibly horrific images of my great grandfather fucking deer. Oh god was he fucking them. It wasn’t a metaphor for anything. He really wanted me to know that fucking a deer in just one regular way over and over would get boring.

He had the deer in positions that didn’t even make sense. I didn’t know some of them were physically possible. He even had little deer SM tables and racks. He fucked them every which was he could think of, and it turns out he was very, terrifyingly creative.

After vomiting, and having the whole meaning behind my life shatter on top of me, I called my dad.

“Oh, you found those huh?” He asked. “I thought I tossed those.”
“WHAT?? You knew?” I screamed.

“Yeah. Everyone knew. That’s why we didn’t want his last words to you recorded. We all knew he had a problem.”

What really made me sad was that all this time I had been interpreting his words as a metaphor, I just happen to be fucking a deer. My wife was cool with it. But it was getting boring. I had applied the metaphor to everything in my life BUT deer fucking. I had wasted twenty years of potential wild deer fucking and instead fucked it in the same boring way every time.

WHY HAD I NOT LISTENED TO HIM?

Me: I’m really angry at you about the birthday present you got for me.

Her: You didn’t like the earphones? I got them because you always said that you hated noise pollution.

Me: No, the earphones are great. They have a really good bass kick and the noise cancellation is phenomenal and- No no no. It’s the other present.

Her: I didn’t get you anything else. Are you mad because you wanted more presents?
Me: No! I’m mad because you killed my fish.

Her: It was their time.

Me: You always say that! You killed my fichus too! Stop killing my things!

Her: Okay, I’m…sorry? The thing is… I’m going to level with you.

Me: Yeah?

Her: I’m not really supposed to hang out here with people, you know? And so, I have to do a little business while I’m here to make it seem legit. But don’t worry, your fish have gone to a better place.

Me: You told me last week that that place didn’t exist!

Her: Oh shit! I did? Huh.

Me: You were drunk and you told me the whole “secret about the afterlife” thing. By the way, should I be worried about that? Should I not know?

Her: Nah, don’t worry about that. I tell people all the time. Well, they die right afterwards… maybe you should. Oh wait, wait. No. I told this Filipino guy a couple of months ago and he’s still alive.

Me: Oh.

Her: Went crazy though…

Me: What? Why?

Her: Well think about it. Oh Shit! Wait! Don’t think about it. Seriously, that can permanently mess you up.

Me: What the hell? Now it’s like I have a mine field in my mind and I’ll constantly have to sweep for the mines that cause crazy to happen! That is not a good girlfriend thing to do! Don’t put evil in my head any more!

Her: I promise not to put things in your head anymore.  Can you do something for me, please?

Me: What?

Her: Can you get more fish? For this little get together, I’ve had to… evict your upstairs neighbors into a… deluxe apartment in the sky?

Me: No problem, they’re only fish. But wait, didn’t you kill my dog too?

Her: Oh come on! That was before we were even dating. That doesn’t count.

Me: Oh fuck! My grandfather! How could you?

Her: Hey, do I get angry at you for fucking that slut in High School? You can’t change the past. Well, at least YOU can’t.

Me: You can change the past?

Her: No, I’m sorry. I was trying to be funny and lighten the mood. I can’t unkill your grandfather in exactly the same way you can’t unfuck that skanky bitch with the huge thighs and the fucked up face.

Me: Those are not equal! Stop equating them.

Her: Look, I’ve got a couple of minutes left. Let’s make up so we don’t leave angry.

Me: Okay. You are pretty damn hot.

Her: Thank you.

Me: Like, if I had to picture the person who killed my grandfather? I wouldn’t have thought they’d have such great tits.

Her: Why would you say that? I can kill you! Do you have a me-wish?

Me: Me-wish?

Her: Death-wish! God, you’re stupid. We’re over. I never want to see you again.

And that children, is the story of how I became immortal.

 PASADENA, CA- Researchers at the California Institute of Technology have released their findings on a scientific study of the hot lesbian profiles found on www.myspace.com. The study shows that 99.8 percent of people who own these profiles and claim to be “hot lesbians” are in fact either “not hot” or “men.”

The study was conducted by five scientists, three of them specializing in computers, one of them a biological physicist, and one of them a psychologist. The course of the study took place between June 20, 2005, and October 20, 2005. The four-month study employed a variety of methodology, from user surveys, to illegal computer hacking, to basic logical reasoning.

Dr. Stephen Mitchum, who headed up the study, and has three PhDs in Computer Science, Extreme Computer Physics, and Lesbiology, answered questions on Thursday about his team’s findings.

“We looked at literally hundreds of thousands of profiles that belonged to lesbian women,” said Mitchum, answering questions on how the study was conducted, “but not just lesbians, specifically the ones deemed ‘hot’ by my team, and some frat boys from PCC.”

Dr. Edward Manning, a computer scientist and one of the main researchers who investigated the profiles, believes that he found the greatest evidence of the falsehood of the lesbian profiles by using means of logic.

“The most obvious evidence that these profiles of ‘hot lesbians’ are fake,” stated Manning, “is that hot lesbians don’t use Myspace. They are too busy have hot lesbian sex. This goes for straight women as well. Hot chicks don’t know the difference between a computer and a stove. Nor do they know how to use either.”

After this statement, Manning could be heard muttering under his breath, “God damn feminist wife not making me my goddamn dinner.”

According to the deeper implications of the study, the “hot lesbians” on Myspace are in fact men trying to get real hot lesbians to talk to them, and perhaps even send them dirty pictures.

On many such “hot lesbian” accounts, it is posted that no men should try to contact the “hot lesbians” or try to add them as friends because they will be denied. This, it is believed, is just another way of limiting the number of guys they talk to and increasing the number of people they believe to be “hot lesbians.”

“What these people impersonating lesbians don’t understand, or refuse to believe,” Said Dr. Philip Benton, the team’s psychologist, “is that all the ‘hot lesbians’ they are trying to get with are, in fact, other lonely men themselves.”

Screen names such as, but not necessarily including, “Lick My Pussy”, “I Love Pussy”, “Lick My Tits”, and “No Guys Allowed” are examples of, according to Benton, “retarded, under-sexed, perverts imitating how they believe lesbians talk, even though they don’t really speak in such a way.”

Dr. Franklin Pierce, the scientist responsible for surveys and illegal profile hacking, uncovered his side of the findings. According to Pierce, many of the men who have lesbian profiles also have their own real profiles.

“In a few cases, after using my mad hacker skillz,” said Pierce, specifying that skillz should be quoted with a ‘z’, “I was able to obtain the real name and picture of the man who was behind the hot lesbian profile, and then took a picture from said lesbian site.”

He took a survey of 100 men. First, he showed them a picture of a guy, and asked them if they would ever message this guy. The response was overwhelmingly ‘no’. Then he showed them a picture of the guy’s alter-lesbian-ego, not disclosing that it was in fact a picture from the fake site of the man they previously said they would “never talk to.” Almost 100 percent of them time, the guys fell all over themselves and said that they would message her immediately, and all agreed that they would do anything that “girl” asked them to do.

“This leads me to the conclusion that not only do guys act like lesbians try to get up close with girls, they also make other desperate guys do things for them in the guise of a lesbo,” said Pierce. “It is the consensus of our team that that shit’s just fucked up.”

When asked about the pictures that the “hot lesbians” had on their sites, of them kissing and doing other “lesbianic” acts, as Mitchum referred to them as, Mitchum had this to say: “Those are, almost without exception, fake. Pictures found on the Internet are sometimes used, or the loser whose site it really is will pay some girl to pose and or kiss another girl.”

“We’re not saying all the Myspace lesbians are really men”, clarified Manning. “Some of the pretty ones are, and most of the ugly ones are. We’re just saying that the really hot ones are fucking liars-the impossibly hot ones. They are impossibly hot for a reason. They are dudes with too much fucking time on their hands.”

“I have no idea why I was involved in this study.” Said Dr. Malcolm Richards, the biological physicist. “I guess they thought I was a biologist or something. Maybe they thought I had specific knowledge of gender or anatomy or something. Well, I don’t. I didn’t do shit during the whole study.”

Richards was later heard saying, “even though I didn’t do shit on the study, it opened my eyes. I am totally not jacking off to hot lesbian profiles on Myspace anymore. Fuck that.”

A shocking new series of negative advertising from the presidential candidates has swept across many states in a staged-release that has pundits debating and constituents shocked. From allegations of corruption to personal attacks insulting candidates’ families, many political figures now think that this election has set a dark precedent in American politicking.

The mudslinging began with Mitt Romney’s subtle accusations of corruption in the McCain camp. “It sure is strange how McCain was nearly out of funds three months ago and has now had this incredible rebound,” said a dark-suited Romney in a recent political ad. “I, however, have never taken kick backs or dirty money!”

However, this attack seems to be the tamest of all. Some women have found Barack Obama’s ads highly offensive. The ad opens on a black screen with a deep voice over, booming, “Do you really want a broad to be president? What if she periods all over the big red button, and accidently starts WW-III after pushing it while trying to clean it off? Do you want that to happen?!”

In possibly a bad response, instead of criticizing Obama’s actions, Hillary Clinton has produced an ad that many have found incredibly offensive. The ad shows a large cotton field from the 1850s with slaves working the field, when a deep voice echoes out over the scene. “The reason you do not want to vote for Obama is two words: White Slavery.” At this point in the ad, all the slaves working in the field become white men and women in tattered dress clothes, bound in chains. The voice over continues, “We all know the blacks are all still pissed about it, so whose to say that once they get power they won’t want revenge? Do you want your children sold into servitude?”

Many republicans, not wanting to get left out of the vicious dog fight, have upped the ante as much as they could. Huckabee, a staunch conservative Christian, has released a damning ad, slinging incendiary accusations against Mitt Romney. With Huckabee standing in front of a flag with a cross super-imposed over it, Huckabee is walking around like Patton. “Romney is a Mormon! Do you know what those people believe? From what I hear, they eat babies, rape cats and hit elderly people over the head with sacks of oranges. I heard Romney actually did all three in one night and to one family in Wisconsin! If he wins, cat rape will be mandatory, and none of our babies will be safe. Mormons across the country will be allowed to stalk the halls of maternity wards, helping themselves to dinner, and dozens of elderly people will wash up from rivers, dead from blunt force trauma! Don’t Be A Sucker, Vote For The Hucker!”

In a strange maneuver, Huckabee also attacked the former candidate Fred Thompson, with a short ad which states “Although Fred Thompson already dropped out like the pussy he is, I still think the guy is a douche. Just wanted to let people know.”

McCain, despite comparatively low funds, has been able to make short ads that shows a parrot, with a necklace that says “Giuliani”, squawking “Nine-Eleven” over and over for two minutes. Even political pundits agree that this is one of the most accurate ads out of all of them.

The only candidates not running any ads have been Giuliani, John Edwards and Ron Paul. Giuliani has tried but could not find any actors willing to soullessly manipulate 9/11 to the degree Giuliani wanted. Edwards is a decent human being, and Ron Paul is busy doing whatever drugs he obviously loves, and is having a merry adventure in Groovy Town with his pet rainbow unicorn and his friends, the Wagga Waggas. Sources close to Paul’s psychoanalyst indicate the Wagga Waggas look like big blueberries. When Paul is on a bad trip though, the Wagga Waggas grow fangs and make him cry.

**TRUE** <-- Entries marked with this notation really are true. Not like the other "true" stories. This one really happened.-->

RPM: You’ve been on the Kevin and Bean Show for over 10 years. What are some of your favorite segments that you have done in the past.

Oh wow, that’s a hard question. Like I said, I’ve been doing this for almost 10 years now and so you can imagine we’re doing 4 1/2 hours of live radio every day, that’s a lot of material to churn out.

RPM: Yeah, that seems like a next-to-impossible amount of stuff to write every day.

Well, the pressure to do it is a great motivator. The stuff comes much more easily now after doing it for years. It’s just keeping it fresh for your self and the people you work with that’s the hardest part.

RPM: I’ve noticed that the bits that are often the funniest are the ones that sort of fall apart at the end.

Yeah, that’s sort of a signature on our show. Sometimes they just peter out at the end. But I think the beauty of our show is that we don’t take ourselves too seriously and we don’t pretend to be slick or polished. People know were out there winging it sometimes and I think they get a kick out of hearing us struggling.

RPM: As Bean once said, “Never leave a Kevin and Bean bit because you never know where it’s going to go.”

And also we don’t know where its going to go. When I started I used to script everything out. And Kevin and Bean aren’t really actors so I have to just let them ask questions that they want to ask and I just have to improvise. We often do know where it’s going to end up. Sometimes it’s gold and sometimes it’s crap, but it’s always fun getting there.

RPM: Your impressions are always so funny and you take them with such a grain of salt that the lightheartedness seems too translate well to the audience.

Yeah, I’m not much of an impressionist REALLY. I can do a close approximation but I have to give it a strong caricature to make it work. But as long as people get the general impression and there is enough funny behind it, they can be very forgiving.

RPM: Well, the impressions and the bits you guys do, they also seem to get you in trouble sometimes. More than they really merit.

Well the bitch of it is we get in trouble with our own lawyers and our own management much more than we do from any outside source. We get very few serious complaints. Sometimes we’ll get email from people who say they were offended or that something was over the line but no ones really ticked off. The only people who seem genuinely frightened are our management and our lawyers and I think that’s because of the political climate we live in. Although the show has never in its history been fined by the FCC or investigated by the FCC, the management is very concerned about that kind of stuff.

RPM: One thing you got in trouble for was the parody song ‘Lean Like a Homo.’ Apparently you weren’t allowed to air it because a single person complained.

Well, it was a very public one complaint. The guy sent a letter to the editor of the gay magazine and so that got it a lot of attention.

RPM: Well, obviously, because you were joking about sex means you hate all gays.

[laughs] Yeah, exactly… The assumptions people make when it comes to this kind of stuff are just ridiculous.

RPM: Well, if people are so offended about sex they must have been really offended by your segment Sex U. [In this segment, Ralph would take a topic about sex, such as the truth about the porn industry or the proper use of sexual aids, and answer callers’ questions about all aspects of sex.]

We never got a complaint about Sex U, not even once. Everyone was very flattering and very complimentary about the work that I did with that segment. That was probably my proudest achievement on the show. I was able to impart some actual information and at the same time sort of make it entertaining.

RPM: So what caused the end of Sex U?

Janet Jackson [at the Super Bowl.] It’s a scary time we live in when special interest groups wield all this clout over the FCC. It’s very uncomfortable.

RPM: It’s scary that words can cause people to hate so much. That words of humor and sarcasm can make people so riled up and make them call for censorship. Censorship is my biggest pet peeve.

I think it’s always about intent. If you’re saying words in a hateful way, then there is a legitimate complaint. But if it’s done in an innocuous, harmless way, I find it scary that a person with a political point of view or a religious point of view can just stifle what someone else wants to say.

RPM: There is a big difference between Lean Like a Homo and Dog the Bounty Hunter’s private conversations.

Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying.

RPM: Why do you think people get so upset and fiery?

There are people who will laugh at anything, as long is its something they aren’t. They stop laughing when it hits close to home. What cheeses us off is when our own company won’t back us because they are worried about the ramifications. The corporate mentality is to always be on the safe side, and that is so counter-productive to creativity, especially comedy.

The Kevin and Bean Show airs Monday through Friday, 6 am to 10 am on KROQ FM 106.7 in Los Angeles. Trust me, its hilarious!

The history of Martin Luther King Jr. Day has been a tumultuous one, over-coming nearly as much adversity as the hero it is named after. From states not wanting to support the peace leader, to other states simply not wanting to give more days-off to their state employees, its been an uphill battle to get the holiday federally recognized. And now, the holiday faces the strangest obstacle of all: getting turned into a pro-war propaganda holiday.

“Today is a day to remember one of the greatest heroes in American history,” said President Bush in an early morning announcement commemorating the holiday. “Martin Luther King was a champion for peace and freedom. And, as we all know, there won’t be any freedom or peace until the evildoers have been found and killed without any sense of mercy. I think Mr. King would really support us on this.”

“This is just downright insulting,” said Dr. Donald Johnson, Professor of Pan-African studies at UCLA. “This is no different than when the government changed Armistice Day to Veterans Day. Armistice was supposed to celebrate peace. But you can’t have peace interrupt war. So instead they decided to celebrate veterans, and have an excuse to make more of them. Now Bush has perverted MLK day too? This sickens me!”

Dr. King was a renowned anti-war activist, often accusing the government of using war to make a grab for power over the people and he also reprimanded congress for supporting the taking of life for political purposes in several speeches. However, this has, in no way, stopped President Bush from announcing the official focus of the day!

“Today is a day to send a message to those terrorists across the seas,” Bush continued during his announcement, “with the spirit of Martin Luther King Jr. in our hearts, we will crush you into the dirt and brutally wipe your existence from the earth. In the name of the justice Dr. King advocated, we will lock up random political prisoners, mostly just because of the color of their skin or their names, not allow them access to lawyers, attack them with dogs and water cannons and destroy their sense of hope. I think this is truly what Dr. King meant when he spoke of justice.”

Movement Researchers at Dr. King’s memorial burial chamber in Atlanta, Georgia seemed to notice some “rolling-like movement from Dr. King’s body from within the grave,” once the announcement was made.