Psychotology created to rival Scientology
Sunday, January 27th, 2008By Zach “Capek” Seemayer
In a daring move by the American Psychiatric Association, a new religion known as Psychotology has been created to contend with the amount of crazy generated by their bitter nemesis, the Church of Scientology.
Psychotology is a multi-tiered “educational training system” that encourages the practices of past-life exploration, peer counseling, and a hierarchy system that shows your rank in the church increase as you spend more money and convert more people. But they have also decided to craft a back story that gives Scientology a run for it’s money.
According to the newly “found” books of Psychotology, 11 trillion years ago, the planet was molded out of “life clay” by a giant inter-dimensional being known as “Zorg” who looks like a giant cloud with a thousand indescribable faces. Once creating Earth, or “Gleg’Ork” as Zorg called it, he captured a huge number of insects from a dimension that only he knew about. He threw those insects onto the planet, and then used them for slave labor. Their sweat made our oceans, their bones made our trees, and their cries of anguish still resonate across the planet. Those “evil sound vibrations” affect our blood and our mind, and they are the source of all our sadness and illnesses.
“You have no idea how hard it was to come up with shit crazy enough to compete,” said Dr. Mary Steiner, co-founder of the Church of Psychotology. “I mean, they had some real good crazy going on there. I was worried we wouldn’t be able to live up to their insanity standards. I think we did a damn good job though.”
The main difference between the churches is that while Scientology is against psychology, and doesn’t believe medical drugs can be effective, instead insisting upon exercise and vitamins, Psychotology believes in moderate use of psychologically helpful drugs, and a healthy diet of vitamins and exercise.
“We’re still fucking doctors,” said Steiner. “We don’t want people hooked on drugs. We’re not monsters. We were worried about scientology hurting people. Those idiots don’t even believe in schizophrenia. SCHIZOPHRENIA!! It’s a real thing! How do you not believe in proven medical science? That’s just nuts!”
According to Steiner, the Psychotology was created for people who still wanted that hint of crazy in their lives, but needed medical drugs to keep from dying.
“This Psychotology nonsense is ridiculous,” said Karl Walters, a Scientology official. “Giant inter-dimensional monsters? Their crying echoes giving us sadness? We all know sadness is created by alien ghosts living in our blood. These people are stupid. Also, I hear they are all criminals who molest children and eat babies. What are their crimes? What are YOUR crimes?!!”
As of press time, most Psychotology officials have made a number of Kevlar Vest purchases, and have all received permits to carry hand guns, just incase any retribution is sought.
