Robot People Magazine

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

A shocking new series of negative advertising from the presidential candidates has swept across many states in a staged-release that has pundits debating and constituents shocked. From allegations of corruption to personal attacks insulting candidates’ families, many political figures now think that this election has set a dark precedent in American politicking.

The mudslinging began with Mitt Romney’s subtle accusations of corruption in the McCain camp. “It sure is strange how McCain was nearly out of funds three months ago and has now had this incredible rebound,” said a dark-suited Romney in a recent political ad. “I, however, have never taken kick backs or dirty money!”

However, this attack seems to be the tamest of all. Some women have found Barack Obama’s ads highly offensive. The ad opens on a black screen with a deep voice over, booming, “Do you really want a broad to be president? What if she periods all over the big red button, and accidently starts WW-III after pushing it while trying to clean it off? Do you want that to happen?!”

In possibly a bad response, instead of criticizing Obama’s actions, Hillary Clinton has produced an ad that many have found incredibly offensive. The ad shows a large cotton field from the 1850s with slaves working the field, when a deep voice echoes out over the scene. “The reason you do not want to vote for Obama is two words: White Slavery.” At this point in the ad, all the slaves working in the field become white men and women in tattered dress clothes, bound in chains. The voice over continues, “We all know the blacks are all still pissed about it, so whose to say that once they get power they won’t want revenge? Do you want your children sold into servitude?”

Many republicans, not wanting to get left out of the vicious dog fight, have upped the ante as much as they could. Huckabee, a staunch conservative Christian, has released a damning ad, slinging incendiary accusations against Mitt Romney. With Huckabee standing in front of a flag with a cross super-imposed over it, Huckabee is walking around like Patton. “Romney is a Mormon! Do you know what those people believe? From what I hear, they eat babies, rape cats and hit elderly people over the head with sacks of oranges. I heard Romney actually did all three in one night and to one family in Wisconsin! If he wins, cat rape will be mandatory, and none of our babies will be safe. Mormons across the country will be allowed to stalk the halls of maternity wards, helping themselves to dinner, and dozens of elderly people will wash up from rivers, dead from blunt force trauma! Don’t Be A Sucker, Vote For The Hucker!”

In a strange maneuver, Huckabee also attacked the former candidate Fred Thompson, with a short ad which states “Although Fred Thompson already dropped out like the pussy he is, I still think the guy is a douche. Just wanted to let people know.”

McCain, despite comparatively low funds, has been able to make short ads that shows a parrot, with a necklace that says “Giuliani”, squawking “Nine-Eleven” over and over for two minutes. Even political pundits agree that this is one of the most accurate ads out of all of them.

The only candidates not running any ads have been Giuliani, John Edwards and Ron Paul. Giuliani has tried but could not find any actors willing to soullessly manipulate 9/11 to the degree Giuliani wanted. Edwards is a decent human being, and Ron Paul is busy doing whatever drugs he obviously loves, and is having a merry adventure in Groovy Town with his pet rainbow unicorn and his friends, the Wagga Waggas. Sources close to Paul’s psychoanalyst indicate the Wagga Waggas look like big blueberries. When Paul is on a bad trip though, the Wagga Waggas grow fangs and make him cry.

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

**TRUE** <-- Entries marked with this notation really are true. Not like the other "true" stories. This one really happened.-->

RPM: You’ve been on the Kevin and Bean Show for over 10 years. What are some of your favorite segments that you have done in the past.

Oh wow, that’s a hard question. Like I said, I’ve been doing this for almost 10 years now and so you can imagine we’re doing 4 1/2 hours of live radio every day, that’s a lot of material to churn out.

RPM: Yeah, that seems like a next-to-impossible amount of stuff to write every day.

Well, the pressure to do it is a great motivator. The stuff comes much more easily now after doing it for years. It’s just keeping it fresh for your self and the people you work with that’s the hardest part.

RPM: I’ve noticed that the bits that are often the funniest are the ones that sort of fall apart at the end.

Yeah, that’s sort of a signature on our show. Sometimes they just peter out at the end. But I think the beauty of our show is that we don’t take ourselves too seriously and we don’t pretend to be slick or polished. People know were out there winging it sometimes and I think they get a kick out of hearing us struggling.

RPM: As Bean once said, “Never leave a Kevin and Bean bit because you never know where it’s going to go.”

And also we don’t know where its going to go. When I started I used to script everything out. And Kevin and Bean aren’t really actors so I have to just let them ask questions that they want to ask and I just have to improvise. We often do know where it’s going to end up. Sometimes it’s gold and sometimes it’s crap, but it’s always fun getting there.

RPM: Your impressions are always so funny and you take them with such a grain of salt that the lightheartedness seems too translate well to the audience.

Yeah, I’m not much of an impressionist REALLY. I can do a close approximation but I have to give it a strong caricature to make it work. But as long as people get the general impression and there is enough funny behind it, they can be very forgiving.

RPM: Well, the impressions and the bits you guys do, they also seem to get you in trouble sometimes. More than they really merit.

Well the bitch of it is we get in trouble with our own lawyers and our own management much more than we do from any outside source. We get very few serious complaints. Sometimes we’ll get email from people who say they were offended or that something was over the line but no ones really ticked off. The only people who seem genuinely frightened are our management and our lawyers and I think that’s because of the political climate we live in. Although the show has never in its history been fined by the FCC or investigated by the FCC, the management is very concerned about that kind of stuff.

RPM: One thing you got in trouble for was the parody song ‘Lean Like a Homo.’ Apparently you weren’t allowed to air it because a single person complained.

Well, it was a very public one complaint. The guy sent a letter to the editor of the gay magazine and so that got it a lot of attention.

RPM: Well, obviously, because you were joking about sex means you hate all gays.

[laughs] Yeah, exactly… The assumptions people make when it comes to this kind of stuff are just ridiculous.

RPM: Well, if people are so offended about sex they must have been really offended by your segment Sex U. [In this segment, Ralph would take a topic about sex, such as the truth about the porn industry or the proper use of sexual aids, and answer callers’ questions about all aspects of sex.]

We never got a complaint about Sex U, not even once. Everyone was very flattering and very complimentary about the work that I did with that segment. That was probably my proudest achievement on the show. I was able to impart some actual information and at the same time sort of make it entertaining.

RPM: So what caused the end of Sex U?

Janet Jackson [at the Super Bowl.] It’s a scary time we live in when special interest groups wield all this clout over the FCC. It’s very uncomfortable.

RPM: It’s scary that words can cause people to hate so much. That words of humor and sarcasm can make people so riled up and make them call for censorship. Censorship is my biggest pet peeve.

I think it’s always about intent. If you’re saying words in a hateful way, then there is a legitimate complaint. But if it’s done in an innocuous, harmless way, I find it scary that a person with a political point of view or a religious point of view can just stifle what someone else wants to say.

RPM: There is a big difference between Lean Like a Homo and Dog the Bounty Hunter’s private conversations.

Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying.

RPM: Why do you think people get so upset and fiery?

There are people who will laugh at anything, as long is its something they aren’t. They stop laughing when it hits close to home. What cheeses us off is when our own company won’t back us because they are worried about the ramifications. The corporate mentality is to always be on the safe side, and that is so counter-productive to creativity, especially comedy.

The Kevin and Bean Show airs Monday through Friday, 6 am to 10 am on KROQ FM 106.7 in Los Angeles. Trust me, its hilarious!

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

The history of Martin Luther King Jr. Day has been a tumultuous one, over-coming nearly as much adversity as the hero it is named after. From states not wanting to support the peace leader, to other states simply not wanting to give more days-off to their state employees, its been an uphill battle to get the holiday federally recognized. And now, the holiday faces the strangest obstacle of all: getting turned into a pro-war propaganda holiday.

“Today is a day to remember one of the greatest heroes in American history,” said President Bush in an early morning announcement commemorating the holiday. “Martin Luther King was a champion for peace and freedom. And, as we all know, there won’t be any freedom or peace until the evildoers have been found and killed without any sense of mercy. I think Mr. King would really support us on this.”

“This is just downright insulting,” said Dr. Donald Johnson, Professor of Pan-African studies at UCLA. “This is no different than when the government changed Armistice Day to Veterans Day. Armistice was supposed to celebrate peace. But you can’t have peace interrupt war. So instead they decided to celebrate veterans, and have an excuse to make more of them. Now Bush has perverted MLK day too? This sickens me!”

Dr. King was a renowned anti-war activist, often accusing the government of using war to make a grab for power over the people and he also reprimanded congress for supporting the taking of life for political purposes in several speeches. However, this has, in no way, stopped President Bush from announcing the official focus of the day!

“Today is a day to send a message to those terrorists across the seas,” Bush continued during his announcement, “with the spirit of Martin Luther King Jr. in our hearts, we will crush you into the dirt and brutally wipe your existence from the earth. In the name of the justice Dr. King advocated, we will lock up random political prisoners, mostly just because of the color of their skin or their names, not allow them access to lawyers, attack them with dogs and water cannons and destroy their sense of hope. I think this is truly what Dr. King meant when he spoke of justice.”

Movement Researchers at Dr. King’s memorial burial chamber in Atlanta, Georgia seemed to notice some “rolling-like movement from Dr. King’s body from within the grave,” once the announcement was made.