Robot People Magazine

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

 PASADENA, CA- Researchers at the California Institute of Technology have released their findings on a scientific study of the hot lesbian profiles found on www.myspace.com. The study shows that 99.8 percent of people who own these profiles and claim to be “hot lesbians” are in fact either “not hot” or “men.”

The study was conducted by five scientists, three of them specializing in computers, one of them a biological physicist, and one of them a psychologist. The course of the study took place between June 20, 2005, and October 20, 2005. The four-month study employed a variety of methodology, from user surveys, to illegal computer hacking, to basic logical reasoning.

Dr. Stephen Mitchum, who headed up the study, and has three PhDs in Computer Science, Extreme Computer Physics, and Lesbiology, answered questions on Thursday about his team’s findings.

“We looked at literally hundreds of thousands of profiles that belonged to lesbian women,” said Mitchum, answering questions on how the study was conducted, “but not just lesbians, specifically the ones deemed ‘hot’ by my team, and some frat boys from PCC.”

Dr. Edward Manning, a computer scientist and one of the main researchers who investigated the profiles, believes that he found the greatest evidence of the falsehood of the lesbian profiles by using means of logic.

“The most obvious evidence that these profiles of ‘hot lesbians’ are fake,” stated Manning, “is that hot lesbians don’t use Myspace. They are too busy have hot lesbian sex. This goes for straight women as well. Hot chicks don’t know the difference between a computer and a stove. Nor do they know how to use either.”

After this statement, Manning could be heard muttering under his breath, “God damn feminist wife not making me my goddamn dinner.”

According to the deeper implications of the study, the “hot lesbians” on Myspace are in fact men trying to get real hot lesbians to talk to them, and perhaps even send them dirty pictures.

On many such “hot lesbian” accounts, it is posted that no men should try to contact the “hot lesbians” or try to add them as friends because they will be denied. This, it is believed, is just another way of limiting the number of guys they talk to and increasing the number of people they believe to be “hot lesbians.”

“What these people impersonating lesbians don’t understand, or refuse to believe,” Said Dr. Philip Benton, the team’s psychologist, “is that all the ‘hot lesbians’ they are trying to get with are, in fact, other lonely men themselves.”

Screen names such as, but not necessarily including, “Lick My Pussy”, “I Love Pussy”, “Lick My Tits”, and “No Guys Allowed” are examples of, according to Benton, “retarded, under-sexed, perverts imitating how they believe lesbians talk, even though they don’t really speak in such a way.”

Dr. Franklin Pierce, the scientist responsible for surveys and illegal profile hacking, uncovered his side of the findings. According to Pierce, many of the men who have lesbian profiles also have their own real profiles.

“In a few cases, after using my mad hacker skillz,” said Pierce, specifying that skillz should be quoted with a ‘z’, “I was able to obtain the real name and picture of the man who was behind the hot lesbian profile, and then took a picture from said lesbian site.”

He took a survey of 100 men. First, he showed them a picture of a guy, and asked them if they would ever message this guy. The response was overwhelmingly ‘no’. Then he showed them a picture of the guy’s alter-lesbian-ego, not disclosing that it was in fact a picture from the fake site of the man they previously said they would “never talk to.” Almost 100 percent of them time, the guys fell all over themselves and said that they would message her immediately, and all agreed that they would do anything that “girl” asked them to do.

“This leads me to the conclusion that not only do guys act like lesbians try to get up close with girls, they also make other desperate guys do things for them in the guise of a lesbo,” said Pierce. “It is the consensus of our team that that shit’s just fucked up.”

When asked about the pictures that the “hot lesbians” had on their sites, of them kissing and doing other “lesbianic” acts, as Mitchum referred to them as, Mitchum had this to say: “Those are, almost without exception, fake. Pictures found on the Internet are sometimes used, or the loser whose site it really is will pay some girl to pose and or kiss another girl.”

“We’re not saying all the Myspace lesbians are really men”, clarified Manning. “Some of the pretty ones are, and most of the ugly ones are. We’re just saying that the really hot ones are fucking liars-the impossibly hot ones. They are impossibly hot for a reason. They are dudes with too much fucking time on their hands.”

“I have no idea why I was involved in this study.” Said Dr. Malcolm Richards, the biological physicist. “I guess they thought I was a biologist or something. Maybe they thought I had specific knowledge of gender or anatomy or something. Well, I don’t. I didn’t do shit during the whole study.”

Richards was later heard saying, “even though I didn’t do shit on the study, it opened my eyes. I am totally not jacking off to hot lesbian profiles on Myspace anymore. Fuck that.”

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

A shocking new series of negative advertising from the presidential candidates has swept across many states in a staged-release that has pundits debating and constituents shocked. From allegations of corruption to personal attacks insulting candidates’ families, many political figures now think that this election has set a dark precedent in American politicking.

The mudslinging began with Mitt Romney’s subtle accusations of corruption in the McCain camp. “It sure is strange how McCain was nearly out of funds three months ago and has now had this incredible rebound,” said a dark-suited Romney in a recent political ad. “I, however, have never taken kick backs or dirty money!”

However, this attack seems to be the tamest of all. Some women have found Barack Obama’s ads highly offensive. The ad opens on a black screen with a deep voice over, booming, “Do you really want a broad to be president? What if she periods all over the big red button, and accidently starts WW-III after pushing it while trying to clean it off? Do you want that to happen?!”

In possibly a bad response, instead of criticizing Obama’s actions, Hillary Clinton has produced an ad that many have found incredibly offensive. The ad shows a large cotton field from the 1850s with slaves working the field, when a deep voice echoes out over the scene. “The reason you do not want to vote for Obama is two words: White Slavery.” At this point in the ad, all the slaves working in the field become white men and women in tattered dress clothes, bound in chains. The voice over continues, “We all know the blacks are all still pissed about it, so whose to say that once they get power they won’t want revenge? Do you want your children sold into servitude?”

Many republicans, not wanting to get left out of the vicious dog fight, have upped the ante as much as they could. Huckabee, a staunch conservative Christian, has released a damning ad, slinging incendiary accusations against Mitt Romney. With Huckabee standing in front of a flag with a cross super-imposed over it, Huckabee is walking around like Patton. “Romney is a Mormon! Do you know what those people believe? From what I hear, they eat babies, rape cats and hit elderly people over the head with sacks of oranges. I heard Romney actually did all three in one night and to one family in Wisconsin! If he wins, cat rape will be mandatory, and none of our babies will be safe. Mormons across the country will be allowed to stalk the halls of maternity wards, helping themselves to dinner, and dozens of elderly people will wash up from rivers, dead from blunt force trauma! Don’t Be A Sucker, Vote For The Hucker!”

In a strange maneuver, Huckabee also attacked the former candidate Fred Thompson, with a short ad which states “Although Fred Thompson already dropped out like the pussy he is, I still think the guy is a douche. Just wanted to let people know.”

McCain, despite comparatively low funds, has been able to make short ads that shows a parrot, with a necklace that says “Giuliani”, squawking “Nine-Eleven” over and over for two minutes. Even political pundits agree that this is one of the most accurate ads out of all of them.

The only candidates not running any ads have been Giuliani, John Edwards and Ron Paul. Giuliani has tried but could not find any actors willing to soullessly manipulate 9/11 to the degree Giuliani wanted. Edwards is a decent human being, and Ron Paul is busy doing whatever drugs he obviously loves, and is having a merry adventure in Groovy Town with his pet rainbow unicorn and his friends, the Wagga Waggas. Sources close to Paul’s psychoanalyst indicate the Wagga Waggas look like big blueberries. When Paul is on a bad trip though, the Wagga Waggas grow fangs and make him cry.

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

The history of Martin Luther King Jr. Day has been a tumultuous one, over-coming nearly as much adversity as the hero it is named after. From states not wanting to support the peace leader, to other states simply not wanting to give more days-off to their state employees, its been an uphill battle to get the holiday federally recognized. And now, the holiday faces the strangest obstacle of all: getting turned into a pro-war propaganda holiday.

“Today is a day to remember one of the greatest heroes in American history,” said President Bush in an early morning announcement commemorating the holiday. “Martin Luther King was a champion for peace and freedom. And, as we all know, there won’t be any freedom or peace until the evildoers have been found and killed without any sense of mercy. I think Mr. King would really support us on this.”

“This is just downright insulting,” said Dr. Donald Johnson, Professor of Pan-African studies at UCLA. “This is no different than when the government changed Armistice Day to Veterans Day. Armistice was supposed to celebrate peace. But you can’t have peace interrupt war. So instead they decided to celebrate veterans, and have an excuse to make more of them. Now Bush has perverted MLK day too? This sickens me!”

Dr. King was a renowned anti-war activist, often accusing the government of using war to make a grab for power over the people and he also reprimanded congress for supporting the taking of life for political purposes in several speeches. However, this has, in no way, stopped President Bush from announcing the official focus of the day!

“Today is a day to send a message to those terrorists across the seas,” Bush continued during his announcement, “with the spirit of Martin Luther King Jr. in our hearts, we will crush you into the dirt and brutally wipe your existence from the earth. In the name of the justice Dr. King advocated, we will lock up random political prisoners, mostly just because of the color of their skin or their names, not allow them access to lawyers, attack them with dogs and water cannons and destroy their sense of hope. I think this is truly what Dr. King meant when he spoke of justice.”

Movement Researchers at Dr. King’s memorial burial chamber in Atlanta, Georgia seemed to notice some “rolling-like movement from Dr. King’s body from within the grave,” once the announcement was made.

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

On Sunday, the Bishop County Police Force were unable to stop a man who had robbed a local bank after he activated God Mode, and walked away with the money through a hurricane of bullets.

The robber, identified as Kurt Harrison, 22, a native of Bishop County, entered First Liberty Bank at 9:50 am, and demanded that the teller give him all the money in the safe. Using a large handgun, Harrison was able to make off with over $100,000, but not before the police had been notified.

When Harrison exited the bank, he was face to face with ten cop cars and twenty cops.

“It was the weirdest thing,” said Officer Mitchell Galderon. “He saw us there, then he spun in a circle a few times, walked forward, then back then forward again, then he spun again. After that, a short chime noise echoed in the courtyard and suddenly, our bullets had no effect on him.”

It is now believed that Harrison had entered God Mode, making him impervious to bullets, rockets, and all other physical harm inflicted by others.

During the lengthy gunfight, officers noted that Harrison seemed to have an endless supply of ammunition. Luckily, all cops and bystanders who had been shot were quickly resuscitated by incredibly skilled paramedics.

After his escape, Harrison was later seen jumping dozens of feet into the air, running for blocks without getting tired, and making tanks drop out of the sky.

The orgy of violence finally ended when Harrison found himself on top of a large building, shooting at the police. He jumped off the side of the building, hoping to land in an alley and escape. Unfortunately, God Mode didn’t help him.

“All these young punks going around in God Mode, it makes them think they will live forever. They think they are invincible!” said Bishop Country Police Captain Tim Meddin. “How quickly they forget they can still be killed by high falls and drowning.”

A full police report is still pending.

Vocal activists have been quick to jump on the blame-video games bandwagon, none more so than infamous lawyer Jack Thompson, who released a press statement to anyone who would listen.

“See? All video games do is make kids impervious to bullets and gay! Gay I tell you!”

Thompson plans to file suit against Nintendo, Sony, Rockstar, and “television” for this horrible tragedy. Also, he will sue Starbucks, Marvel Comics, “rock climbing”, “tape” and someone named James Hedson, for no apparent reason.

Lev “Asimov” Shtrikman

Earlier this morning, Google, the Internet giant announced in an official press release that it will be updating its informal company motto from “Don’t be evil” to a more specific and controversial choice of “Don’t be Microsoft.”

Serge Brin, Google founder, was quoted saying that this new choice was “limiting and freeing.”

He noted that it placed new restrictions to the company that are being instantly felt. The new g-box gaming system has been cancelled and will not be coming out in the fall of this year and the two Google founders will be forced to get professional haircuts.

“Don’t be evil” was seen as some members of the company as implying that Google has many evil ambitions that are being only barely contained. Brin summarized, “We are not a demonic company thirsting to rob the elderly or kidnap children to work in dank salt mines. This announcement is about reassuring the public that we own very few salt mines and the ones that we do own are staffed by adults.”

He continued, “Plus it allows us to branch out to, yes evil projects, but not in a Microsoft evil way. We plan to enslave a few sovereign nations, only unpopular ones, delete the words equality and freedom from all languages, and develop a digestible form of internet that is nutritious and mandatory.”

“Many would consider this change to be a cheap shot at Microsoft for overcharging for barely beta software or abusing the user base, but no! This announcement is about welcoming a new era for Google. Google will never be Microsoft. Instead, Google will be everything but. Everything! Thank you and happy googling.

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

Jack Thompson, a controversial lawyer famous for suing gaming companies, has recently filed a suit against Valve, the makers of the popular Half-Life game series, in response to an accident in which Jimmy Halvares, 10, walked into a wall, hurting himself.

“The makers of the video game Portal need to be held accountable for this blatant disregard for the safety of children!” Said Thompson in a long, handwritten letter sent to the manager of a local Game Stop and a very confused Florida Senator who had never heard of the game.

“Jimmy’s young life nearly ended because he thought he could just walk through the wall! I demand an advanced copy of Portal, to see if there is any wall-walking!” Thompson’s letter continued.

When Valve was contacted, Co-founder Gabe Newell released this statement: “We really have no idea what Mr. Thompson is talking about. Portal has been out for months, and it is just a fun puzzle game. If a child was hurt, that is a tragedy, but there is no way it was due to our game.”

Halveras, who had to go to the doctor because of the bump on his head, confirmed Newell’s assertion.

“I’ve never even played Portal,” said Halveras, “I was hoping my mom was going to get it for me for Christmas, but she couldn’t find it. She said she would get it for me soon.”

Mary Halveras, Jimmy’s mother, added, “Portal is the kind of game I want my son to play. It’s just puzzles, right? I mean, there aren’t any guns, or really anything that isn’t good for a kid.”

Thompson seems to disagree. “This game is violence incarnate! You have springs on your legs so you can jump from any height and kick holes into people. You are being hunted mercilessly by a killer robot, who may or may not be from Hell! And that brings up all number of satanic overtones!”

“Has this guy ever even seen our game?” Newell asked, confused and frustrated.

Despite the family’s protests, Thompson is still suing the company. The manager of the Game Stop could not be reached for comment, and the Senator had just ignored the whole situation, as he had nothing to do with the matter.

“Valve must be stopped!” Yelled Thompson to a group of random people walking down the street. “What next? Kids standing in the way of balls of pure energy?”

“Also, I bet it probably makes kids gay too!” Thompson added loudly.

By Lev “Asimov” Shtrikman

Zach “Capek” Seemayer

Recently, video game legend Shigeru Miyamoto (the creator of Mario, Zelda, and most modern gaming) was unknowingly interviewed by a reported named Hesh, who worked for High Times, a popular pro-marijuana magazine. This interview is magical, to say the least.

Hesh: Today, I have the honor and privilege to interview Mr. Miyamoto. He invented video games. Hi, thanks for talking to me.

Miyamoto: Hello, it’s good to be here.

H: Lets get down to it man. You invented Mario. How crazy is that?

M: Uh, yeah. He seems to be the most popular video game character of all time. Well, at least since the pong paddles [laughs]

H: Dude. No seriously. You invented Mario.

M: Yes.

H: Wow.

M: …

H: I had this idea for a video game where this guy is like in this dream world where things aren’t real but they are real to him so that’s makes them real. It’s just like what you did.

M: Yes. Well, I guess in a way it is. I enjoy using fantastical elements in my story telling.

H: Yeah. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. They were fantastic. Like that flower man. It’s flower power. You get power from the flower.

M: The powers can add a lot of fun variety to game play. It’s a useful tool to break the monotony and keep the game play fresh.

H: So did the flower mean pot dude?

M: What? Oh, no, no. Those weren’t pots. It just looked that way. They were tube entrances. But I can see how you would make that mistake. I guess.

H: Dude. Donkey Kong. It’s all about some big jerk stealing Mario’s girl. Then that turtle guy stole her too. Who stole your girlfriend man? I’ll kick his ass. I know some guys.

M: What? No, no. It’s just a common story telling device. You know, loss, redemption, return. But thank you for your concern.

H: You know what I didn’t like about Mario? That big cop mustache. Cops make me all wiggy man. Ya know? Like, wiggy. Why did you have to give him a mustache?

M: Well, it was part of the technological limitations of the time. We needed to separate the pixels representing his nose and mouth.

H: Wow. Dude, the cops are like dicks though. Why did you have to give him a cop mustache?

M: Are you serious?

H: Dude. You know Kirby? He’s like if the munchies were a person. I’ve been hungry before. Like one time, I ate one of those giant if you eat it, it’s free burgers. Then threw up, and ate another one. And it was all free. Kirby is awesome and so funny. I wish I could become a rock by eating rocks. Trust me, you can’t.

M: Kirby is not part of my stable of characters. He was created by Masahiro Sakurai. He’s very talented.

H: Dude. I bet you invented him in your sleep or something and started talking it and he wrote it down. You’re so great, you don’t even know you’re that great. But you are. You are great.

M: Thank you, but no. I didn’t create Kirby.

H: Okay, but you made Zelda right? Zelda is cool, but you never give him the sword right away. Why do I always have to get the sword? You should start with the sword, but work to get a gun or start with the gun and work to get a really cool gun sword or something.

M: I’m interested in the hero’s journey and by giving him a humble beginning. I feel that this heightens the dramatic tension of his eventual rise to glory.

H: Wow.

M: Yes, we really do put a lot of thought into these games. Many talented people work very long hours to provide you with excellent game play.

H: Wow.

M: …

H. No seriously, wow.

M: Thanks?

H: You made Mario. How high were you?

M: What?

H: Dude. How high are you right now?

M: Super.