Robot People Magazine

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

Lawrence Colberg- For a short time during Washington’s presidency, the state of Cargotown was named “king town” and Colberg was “owner” of Cargotown. Washington once recognized him as his “lord.” It was later discovered that neither Cargotown nor Colberg were real. They were products of Washington’s imagination. But, they are still considered influential in the grand scheme of things.

Howard Henry Herbert Hal Hopper- Known as the alliteration kid. However, this nickname wasn’t because of his own name, it was for the alliteration found in the names of the many, many women he killed. Because of this, he was only president for 2 weeks, and is often ignored by historians.

Schuyler Colfax- Although believed to be Vice-President of Ulysses S. Grant, he was a tricky bastard. In reality, the treacherous goon had murdered Grant, and had the real control of the white house, all the while pioneering the “Weekend at Bernie’s” method of tricksterism with Grant’s corpse. He didn’t even realize, until after the presidency, that the whole charade was utterly unnecessary because if Grant were dead, Colfax would have been president anyway.

By Lev “Asimov” Shtrikman

Things to say in the middle of a conversation to elicit a “What!?!” response:

“God, your eyes are freakishly close together.”

“I love that movie a lot (wink). A whole lot, if you get my drift.”

“I voted for Bush!”

“No, I don’t want any of your lunch, I have a pathological fear of biscuits.”

“So, my testicle descended yesterday.”

“Ever thought that you’re stalked by monks?”

“I’m wearing weapon-grade uranium pants.”

“For my birthday, I got a jug of sauerkraut.”

“You know what I hate? Dry humping.”

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

#1. Pi, although originally thought to be 3.14159… and so on to some unknown number or possibly infinity, is actually 54. Scientists just say its an irrational number and try to figure it out to the seven-billionth digit so they can have something to do on Saturday night while they are busy NOT having sex.

#2. Asians can drive better than any other culture, it’s the rest of us who can’t drive. We’re just judging them by our own incorrect, skewed perspective.

#3. Bill Gates once ate a vinyl record… for shits and giggles… very painful vinyl shits.

#4. JFK was gay. Jackie and Marilyn? Both dudes in drag. But don’t worry. It doesn’t make you gay to fantasize about dudes in drag, especially if you didn’t know. But it does make you bi.

#5. 17 of our presidents weren’t real people. They were highly sophisticated robots made of spit, newspaper and monkey fur.

#6. No one named Velma has been born since 1947.

#7. X, X, O, L1, L2, L1, R1, O, X, X, Left, Down, Right, Up, L1, L2, R1, R2, is the PlayStation 2 cheat for GTA3 to turn your character into jack the ripper and have him slash hookers with a meat cleaver and ornately decorate their bodies with their own intestines.

#8. OJ was actually convicted. The whites were just too afraid to piss off the blacks after that whole ‘LA Riot’ thing. All the photos of OJ golfing in Florida are doctored.

#9. An obscure passage in the constitution clearly protects a citizen’s right to hunt wombats with crossbows.

#10. Tin cans haven’t been filled with anything but spring-loaded foam snakes since the start of the Truman administration.

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

Bastille Day, observed on July 14h, is a French Holiday that celebrates the French Revolution and the Rebel’s attack on the Bastille prison.

5. Act like you’re culture is really great. Walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment just because you’ve got better food than England or Ireland. Ignore the fact that you’re most famous artist (Picasso) is actually from Spain and that you haven’t won any military conflict in the last 3 hundred years except against yourself. Forget to realize that, when the only person you win against is yourself, you still lost in a way.

4. Gather a group of drunken friends who have a vague, easily manipulated distrust of the Government and try to storm a prison. Don’t take “Stop or I’ll shoot you to death” as an answer from those stuck up Guards. They think they’re so great. They ain’t shit! Ain’t shit I’m tellin’ YA!!

3. First I like to gather together a bunch of cats from around the neighborhood and take them back to my house. After buying a bunch of K-Y Jelly, I raise their tails and get on my knees behind them. Then, with one quick thrust I-…wait… BASTILLE Day? Oh shit. My bad. I thought we were talking about Cat Sodomy Day. I was mistaken, that takes place on JUNE 14.

2. Fire works, ice crème, hot dogs, and a huge family gathering in a park or possibly on a lakeshore. Also, celebrate it 10 days earlier on the day of a REAL celebration of independence and freedom from an oppressive government.

1. Don’t do anything. Seriously, who gives a shit about Bastille Day?

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

When you need to hide your stash, for either transport or incase of raids, it’s understandable to stuff the happy dust up your bum, or in the walls. You could even stuff it down your throat, and crap it out later, although preferably not on your old gym teacher’s living room floor after you’ve broken into his house at 3 AM, strung out and insane after stomach acids burned a hole through at least one of the balloons you swallowed, allowing the narcotics to seep into your blood.
Anyway, there is a code of conduct for this. You can’t just go stashing it anywhere. So here are places to AVOID stashing your stash.

1. A kidnapped baby. Although the urban legend about smuggling drugs in the stomach cavities of dead, kidnapped babies is a classic, it’s generally looked upon as “excessively horrific” and “unbelievably fucked up”. People will, generally, hold it against you. Possibly even think less of you. Also, you will NEVER be invited to any more of your friends’ kid’s birthday parties.

2. Your NEIGHBOR’S ass. Stuffing them up your own ass is one thing. If you do it to someone else, that’s just a social faux-pas. As a rule of thumb, people don’t like things forcibly rammed up their ass without permission. You may think “But hey! It’s drugs! Everyone loves drugs!” Not up their ass.

3. Wearing the baggies like a little hat. Its not that it’s stupid, but little hats are just so out of fashion. No one wears hats now days. What do you think this is? The 1950s? NO! You wear a hat, and your just BEGGING to be laughed at by the drug smuggling community!