Robot People Magazine

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

On Sunday, the Bishop County Police Force were unable to stop a man who had robbed a local bank after he activated God Mode, and walked away with the money through a hurricane of bullets.

The robber, identified as Kurt Harrison, 22, a native of Bishop County, entered First Liberty Bank at 9:50 am, and demanded that the teller give him all the money in the safe. Using a large handgun, Harrison was able to make off with over $100,000, but not before the police had been notified.

When Harrison exited the bank, he was face to face with ten cop cars and twenty cops.

“It was the weirdest thing,” said Officer Mitchell Galderon. “He saw us there, then he spun in a circle a few times, walked forward, then back then forward again, then he spun again. After that, a short chime noise echoed in the courtyard and suddenly, our bullets had no effect on him.”

It is now believed that Harrison had entered God Mode, making him impervious to bullets, rockets, and all other physical harm inflicted by others.

During the lengthy gunfight, officers noted that Harrison seemed to have an endless supply of ammunition. Luckily, all cops and bystanders who had been shot were quickly resuscitated by incredibly skilled paramedics.

After his escape, Harrison was later seen jumping dozens of feet into the air, running for blocks without getting tired, and making tanks drop out of the sky.

The orgy of violence finally ended when Harrison found himself on top of a large building, shooting at the police. He jumped off the side of the building, hoping to land in an alley and escape. Unfortunately, God Mode didn’t help him.

“All these young punks going around in God Mode, it makes them think they will live forever. They think they are invincible!” said Bishop Country Police Captain Tim Meddin. “How quickly they forget they can still be killed by high falls and drowning.”

A full police report is still pending.

Vocal activists have been quick to jump on the blame-video games bandwagon, none more so than infamous lawyer Jack Thompson, who released a press statement to anyone who would listen.

“See? All video games do is make kids impervious to bullets and gay! Gay I tell you!”

Thompson plans to file suit against Nintendo, Sony, Rockstar, and “television” for this horrible tragedy. Also, he will sue Starbucks, Marvel Comics, “rock climbing”, “tape” and someone named James Hedson, for no apparent reason.

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

Jack Thompson, a controversial lawyer famous for suing gaming companies, has recently filed a suit against Valve, the makers of the popular Half-Life game series, in response to an accident in which Jimmy Halvares, 10, walked into a wall, hurting himself.

“The makers of the video game Portal need to be held accountable for this blatant disregard for the safety of children!” Said Thompson in a long, handwritten letter sent to the manager of a local Game Stop and a very confused Florida Senator who had never heard of the game.

“Jimmy’s young life nearly ended because he thought he could just walk through the wall! I demand an advanced copy of Portal, to see if there is any wall-walking!” Thompson’s letter continued.

When Valve was contacted, Co-founder Gabe Newell released this statement: “We really have no idea what Mr. Thompson is talking about. Portal has been out for months, and it is just a fun puzzle game. If a child was hurt, that is a tragedy, but there is no way it was due to our game.”

Halveras, who had to go to the doctor because of the bump on his head, confirmed Newell’s assertion.

“I’ve never even played Portal,” said Halveras, “I was hoping my mom was going to get it for me for Christmas, but she couldn’t find it. She said she would get it for me soon.”

Mary Halveras, Jimmy’s mother, added, “Portal is the kind of game I want my son to play. It’s just puzzles, right? I mean, there aren’t any guns, or really anything that isn’t good for a kid.”

Thompson seems to disagree. “This game is violence incarnate! You have springs on your legs so you can jump from any height and kick holes into people. You are being hunted mercilessly by a killer robot, who may or may not be from Hell! And that brings up all number of satanic overtones!”

“Has this guy ever even seen our game?” Newell asked, confused and frustrated.

Despite the family’s protests, Thompson is still suing the company. The manager of the Game Stop could not be reached for comment, and the Senator had just ignored the whole situation, as he had nothing to do with the matter.

“Valve must be stopped!” Yelled Thompson to a group of random people walking down the street. “What next? Kids standing in the way of balls of pure energy?”

“Also, I bet it probably makes kids gay too!” Thompson added loudly.

By Lev “Asimov” Shtrikman

Zach “Capek” Seemayer

Recently, video game legend Shigeru Miyamoto (the creator of Mario, Zelda, and most modern gaming) was unknowingly interviewed by a reported named Hesh, who worked for High Times, a popular pro-marijuana magazine. This interview is magical, to say the least.

Hesh: Today, I have the honor and privilege to interview Mr. Miyamoto. He invented video games. Hi, thanks for talking to me.

Miyamoto: Hello, it’s good to be here.

H: Lets get down to it man. You invented Mario. How crazy is that?

M: Uh, yeah. He seems to be the most popular video game character of all time. Well, at least since the pong paddles [laughs]

H: Dude. No seriously. You invented Mario.

M: Yes.

H: Wow.

M: …

H: I had this idea for a video game where this guy is like in this dream world where things aren’t real but they are real to him so that’s makes them real. It’s just like what you did.

M: Yes. Well, I guess in a way it is. I enjoy using fantastical elements in my story telling.

H: Yeah. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. They were fantastic. Like that flower man. It’s flower power. You get power from the flower.

M: The powers can add a lot of fun variety to game play. It’s a useful tool to break the monotony and keep the game play fresh.

H: So did the flower mean pot dude?

M: What? Oh, no, no. Those weren’t pots. It just looked that way. They were tube entrances. But I can see how you would make that mistake. I guess.

H: Dude. Donkey Kong. It’s all about some big jerk stealing Mario’s girl. Then that turtle guy stole her too. Who stole your girlfriend man? I’ll kick his ass. I know some guys.

M: What? No, no. It’s just a common story telling device. You know, loss, redemption, return. But thank you for your concern.

H: You know what I didn’t like about Mario? That big cop mustache. Cops make me all wiggy man. Ya know? Like, wiggy. Why did you have to give him a mustache?

M: Well, it was part of the technological limitations of the time. We needed to separate the pixels representing his nose and mouth.

H: Wow. Dude, the cops are like dicks though. Why did you have to give him a cop mustache?

M: Are you serious?

H: Dude. You know Kirby? He’s like if the munchies were a person. I’ve been hungry before. Like one time, I ate one of those giant if you eat it, it’s free burgers. Then threw up, and ate another one. And it was all free. Kirby is awesome and so funny. I wish I could become a rock by eating rocks. Trust me, you can’t.

M: Kirby is not part of my stable of characters. He was created by Masahiro Sakurai. He’s very talented.

H: Dude. I bet you invented him in your sleep or something and started talking it and he wrote it down. You’re so great, you don’t even know you’re that great. But you are. You are great.

M: Thank you, but no. I didn’t create Kirby.

H: Okay, but you made Zelda right? Zelda is cool, but you never give him the sword right away. Why do I always have to get the sword? You should start with the sword, but work to get a gun or start with the gun and work to get a really cool gun sword or something.

M: I’m interested in the hero’s journey and by giving him a humble beginning. I feel that this heightens the dramatic tension of his eventual rise to glory.

H: Wow.

M: Yes, we really do put a lot of thought into these games. Many talented people work very long hours to provide you with excellent game play.

H: Wow.

M: …

H. No seriously, wow.

M: Thanks?

H: You made Mario. How high were you?

M: What?

H: Dude. How high are you right now?

M: Super.