Robot People Magazine

By Lev “Asimov” Shtrikman

Me: I’m really angry at you about the birthday present you got for me.

Her: You didn’t like the earphones? I got them because you always said that you hated noise pollution.

Me: No, the earphones are great. They have a really good bass kick and the noise cancellation is phenomenal and- No no no. It’s the other present.

Her: I didn’t get you anything else. Are you mad because you wanted more presents?
Me: No! I’m mad because you killed my fish.

Her: It was their time.

Me: You always say that! You killed my fichus too! Stop killing my things!

Her: Okay, I’m…sorry? The thing is… I’m going to level with you.

Me: Yeah?

Her: I’m not really supposed to hang out here with people, you know? And so, I have to do a little business while I’m here to make it seem legit. But don’t worry, your fish have gone to a better place.

Me: You told me last week that that place didn’t exist!

Her: Oh shit! I did? Huh.

Me: You were drunk and you told me the whole “secret about the afterlife” thing. By the way, should I be worried about that? Should I not know?

Her: Nah, don’t worry about that. I tell people all the time. Well, they die right afterwards… maybe you should. Oh wait, wait. No. I told this Filipino guy a couple of months ago and he’s still alive.

Me: Oh.

Her: Went crazy though…

Me: What? Why?

Her: Well think about it. Oh Shit! Wait! Don’t think about it. Seriously, that can permanently mess you up.

Me: What the hell? Now it’s like I have a mine field in my mind and I’ll constantly have to sweep for the mines that cause crazy to happen! That is not a good girlfriend thing to do! Don’t put evil in my head any more!

Her: I promise not to put things in your head anymore.  Can you do something for me, please?

Me: What?

Her: Can you get more fish? For this little get together, I’ve had to… evict your upstairs neighbors into a… deluxe apartment in the sky?

Me: No problem, they’re only fish. But wait, didn’t you kill my dog too?

Her: Oh come on! That was before we were even dating. That doesn’t count.

Me: Oh fuck! My grandfather! How could you?

Her: Hey, do I get angry at you for fucking that slut in High School? You can’t change the past. Well, at least YOU can’t.

Me: You can change the past?

Her: No, I’m sorry. I was trying to be funny and lighten the mood. I can’t unkill your grandfather in exactly the same way you can’t unfuck that skanky bitch with the huge thighs and the fucked up face.

Me: Those are not equal! Stop equating them.

Her: Look, I’ve got a couple of minutes left. Let’s make up so we don’t leave angry.

Me: Okay. You are pretty damn hot.

Her: Thank you.

Me: Like, if I had to picture the person who killed my grandfather? I wouldn’t have thought they’d have such great tits.

Her: Why would you say that? I can kill you! Do you have a me-wish?

Me: Me-wish?

Her: Death-wish! God, you’re stupid. We’re over. I never want to see you again.

And that children, is the story of how I became immortal.

By Zach “Capek” Seemayer

**TRUE** <-- Entries marked with this notation really are true. Not like the other "true" stories. This one really happened.-->

RPM: You’ve been on the Kevin and Bean Show for over 10 years. What are some of your favorite segments that you have done in the past.

Oh wow, that’s a hard question. Like I said, I’ve been doing this for almost 10 years now and so you can imagine we’re doing 4 1/2 hours of live radio every day, that’s a lot of material to churn out.

RPM: Yeah, that seems like a next-to-impossible amount of stuff to write every day.

Well, the pressure to do it is a great motivator. The stuff comes much more easily now after doing it for years. It’s just keeping it fresh for your self and the people you work with that’s the hardest part.

RPM: I’ve noticed that the bits that are often the funniest are the ones that sort of fall apart at the end.

Yeah, that’s sort of a signature on our show. Sometimes they just peter out at the end. But I think the beauty of our show is that we don’t take ourselves too seriously and we don’t pretend to be slick or polished. People know were out there winging it sometimes and I think they get a kick out of hearing us struggling.

RPM: As Bean once said, “Never leave a Kevin and Bean bit because you never know where it’s going to go.”

And also we don’t know where its going to go. When I started I used to script everything out. And Kevin and Bean aren’t really actors so I have to just let them ask questions that they want to ask and I just have to improvise. We often do know where it’s going to end up. Sometimes it’s gold and sometimes it’s crap, but it’s always fun getting there.

RPM: Your impressions are always so funny and you take them with such a grain of salt that the lightheartedness seems too translate well to the audience.

Yeah, I’m not much of an impressionist REALLY. I can do a close approximation but I have to give it a strong caricature to make it work. But as long as people get the general impression and there is enough funny behind it, they can be very forgiving.

RPM: Well, the impressions and the bits you guys do, they also seem to get you in trouble sometimes. More than they really merit.

Well the bitch of it is we get in trouble with our own lawyers and our own management much more than we do from any outside source. We get very few serious complaints. Sometimes we’ll get email from people who say they were offended or that something was over the line but no ones really ticked off. The only people who seem genuinely frightened are our management and our lawyers and I think that’s because of the political climate we live in. Although the show has never in its history been fined by the FCC or investigated by the FCC, the management is very concerned about that kind of stuff.

RPM: One thing you got in trouble for was the parody song ‘Lean Like a Homo.’ Apparently you weren’t allowed to air it because a single person complained.

Well, it was a very public one complaint. The guy sent a letter to the editor of the gay magazine and so that got it a lot of attention.

RPM: Well, obviously, because you were joking about sex means you hate all gays.

[laughs] Yeah, exactly… The assumptions people make when it comes to this kind of stuff are just ridiculous.

RPM: Well, if people are so offended about sex they must have been really offended by your segment Sex U. [In this segment, Ralph would take a topic about sex, such as the truth about the porn industry or the proper use of sexual aids, and answer callers’ questions about all aspects of sex.]

We never got a complaint about Sex U, not even once. Everyone was very flattering and very complimentary about the work that I did with that segment. That was probably my proudest achievement on the show. I was able to impart some actual information and at the same time sort of make it entertaining.

RPM: So what caused the end of Sex U?

Janet Jackson [at the Super Bowl.] It’s a scary time we live in when special interest groups wield all this clout over the FCC. It’s very uncomfortable.

RPM: It’s scary that words can cause people to hate so much. That words of humor and sarcasm can make people so riled up and make them call for censorship. Censorship is my biggest pet peeve.

I think it’s always about intent. If you’re saying words in a hateful way, then there is a legitimate complaint. But if it’s done in an innocuous, harmless way, I find it scary that a person with a political point of view or a religious point of view can just stifle what someone else wants to say.

RPM: There is a big difference between Lean Like a Homo and Dog the Bounty Hunter’s private conversations.

Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying.

RPM: Why do you think people get so upset and fiery?

There are people who will laugh at anything, as long is its something they aren’t. They stop laughing when it hits close to home. What cheeses us off is when our own company won’t back us because they are worried about the ramifications. The corporate mentality is to always be on the safe side, and that is so counter-productive to creativity, especially comedy.

The Kevin and Bean Show airs Monday through Friday, 6 am to 10 am on KROQ FM 106.7 in Los Angeles. Trust me, its hilarious!

By Lev “Asimov” Shtrikman

Zach “Capek” Seemayer

Recently, video game legend Shigeru Miyamoto (the creator of Mario, Zelda, and most modern gaming) was unknowingly interviewed by a reported named Hesh, who worked for High Times, a popular pro-marijuana magazine. This interview is magical, to say the least.

Hesh: Today, I have the honor and privilege to interview Mr. Miyamoto. He invented video games. Hi, thanks for talking to me.

Miyamoto: Hello, it’s good to be here.

H: Lets get down to it man. You invented Mario. How crazy is that?

M: Uh, yeah. He seems to be the most popular video game character of all time. Well, at least since the pong paddles [laughs]

H: Dude. No seriously. You invented Mario.

M: Yes.

H: Wow.

M: …

H: I had this idea for a video game where this guy is like in this dream world where things aren’t real but they are real to him so that’s makes them real. It’s just like what you did.

M: Yes. Well, I guess in a way it is. I enjoy using fantastical elements in my story telling.

H: Yeah. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. They were fantastic. Like that flower man. It’s flower power. You get power from the flower.

M: The powers can add a lot of fun variety to game play. It’s a useful tool to break the monotony and keep the game play fresh.

H: So did the flower mean pot dude?

M: What? Oh, no, no. Those weren’t pots. It just looked that way. They were tube entrances. But I can see how you would make that mistake. I guess.

H: Dude. Donkey Kong. It’s all about some big jerk stealing Mario’s girl. Then that turtle guy stole her too. Who stole your girlfriend man? I’ll kick his ass. I know some guys.

M: What? No, no. It’s just a common story telling device. You know, loss, redemption, return. But thank you for your concern.

H: You know what I didn’t like about Mario? That big cop mustache. Cops make me all wiggy man. Ya know? Like, wiggy. Why did you have to give him a mustache?

M: Well, it was part of the technological limitations of the time. We needed to separate the pixels representing his nose and mouth.

H: Wow. Dude, the cops are like dicks though. Why did you have to give him a cop mustache?

M: Are you serious?

H: Dude. You know Kirby? He’s like if the munchies were a person. I’ve been hungry before. Like one time, I ate one of those giant if you eat it, it’s free burgers. Then threw up, and ate another one. And it was all free. Kirby is awesome and so funny. I wish I could become a rock by eating rocks. Trust me, you can’t.

M: Kirby is not part of my stable of characters. He was created by Masahiro Sakurai. He’s very talented.

H: Dude. I bet you invented him in your sleep or something and started talking it and he wrote it down. You’re so great, you don’t even know you’re that great. But you are. You are great.

M: Thank you, but no. I didn’t create Kirby.

H: Okay, but you made Zelda right? Zelda is cool, but you never give him the sword right away. Why do I always have to get the sword? You should start with the sword, but work to get a gun or start with the gun and work to get a really cool gun sword or something.

M: I’m interested in the hero’s journey and by giving him a humble beginning. I feel that this heightens the dramatic tension of his eventual rise to glory.

H: Wow.

M: Yes, we really do put a lot of thought into these games. Many talented people work very long hours to provide you with excellent game play.

H: Wow.

M: …

H. No seriously, wow.

M: Thanks?

H: You made Mario. How high were you?

M: What?

H: Dude. How high are you right now?

M: Super.