My Last Near-Death Experience
By Lev “Asimov” Shtrikman
Me: I’m really angry at you about the birthday present you got for me.
Her: You didn’t like the earphones? I got them because you always said that you hated noise pollution.
Me: No, the earphones are great. They have a really good bass kick and the noise cancellation is phenomenal and- No no no. It’s the other present.
Her: I didn’t get you anything else. Are you mad because you wanted more presents?
Me: No! I’m mad because you killed my fish.
Her: It was their time.
Me: You always say that! You killed my fichus too! Stop killing my things!
Her: Okay, I’m…sorry? The thing is… I’m going to level with you.
Me: Yeah?
Her: I’m not really supposed to hang out here with people, you know? And so, I have to do a little business while I’m here to make it seem legit. But don’t worry, your fish have gone to a better place.
Me: You told me last week that that place didn’t exist!
Her: Oh shit! I did? Huh.
Me: You were drunk and you told me the whole “secret about the afterlife” thing. By the way, should I be worried about that? Should I not know?
Her: Nah, don’t worry about that. I tell people all the time. Well, they die right afterwards… maybe you should. Oh wait, wait. No. I told this Filipino guy a couple of months ago and he’s still alive.
Me: Oh.
Her: Went crazy though…
Me: What? Why?
Her: Well think about it. Oh Shit! Wait! Don’t think about it. Seriously, that can permanently mess you up.
Me: What the hell? Now it’s like I have a mine field in my mind and I’ll constantly have to sweep for the mines that cause crazy to happen! That is not a good girlfriend thing to do! Don’t put evil in my head any more!
Her: I promise not to put things in your head anymore. Can you do something for me, please?
Me: What?
Her: Can you get more fish? For this little get together, I’ve had to… evict your upstairs neighbors into a… deluxe apartment in the sky?
Me: No problem, they’re only fish. But wait, didn’t you kill my dog too?
Her: Oh come on! That was before we were even dating. That doesn’t count.
Me: Oh fuck! My grandfather! How could you?
Her: Hey, do I get angry at you for fucking that slut in High School? You can’t change the past. Well, at least YOU can’t.
Me: You can change the past?
Her: No, I’m sorry. I was trying to be funny and lighten the mood. I can’t unkill your grandfather in exactly the same way you can’t unfuck that skanky bitch with the huge thighs and the fucked up face.
Me: Those are not equal! Stop equating them.
Her: Look, I’ve got a couple of minutes left. Let’s make up so we don’t leave angry.
Me: Okay. You are pretty damn hot.
Her: Thank you.
Me: Like, if I had to picture the person who killed my grandfather? I wouldn’t have thought they’d have such great tits.
Her: Why would you say that? I can kill you! Do you have a me-wish?
Me: Me-wish?
Her: Death-wish! God, you’re stupid. We’re over. I never want to see you again.
And that children, is the story of how I became immortal.
