Researchers find that most “Hot Lesbians” on myspace are infact “not hot dudes.”
By Zach “Capek” Seemayer
PASADENA, CA- Researchers at the California Institute of Technology have released their findings on a scientific study of the hot lesbian profiles found on www.myspace.com. The study shows that 99.8 percent of people who own these profiles and claim to be “hot lesbians” are in fact either “not hot” or “men.”
The study was conducted by five scientists, three of them specializing in computers, one of them a biological physicist, and one of them a psychologist. The course of the study took place between June 20, 2005, and October 20, 2005. The four-month study employed a variety of methodology, from user surveys, to illegal computer hacking, to basic logical reasoning.
Dr. Stephen Mitchum, who headed up the study, and has three PhDs in Computer Science, Extreme Computer Physics, and Lesbiology, answered questions on Thursday about his team’s findings.
“We looked at literally hundreds of thousands of profiles that belonged to lesbian women,” said Mitchum, answering questions on how the study was conducted, “but not just lesbians, specifically the ones deemed ‘hot’ by my team, and some frat boys from PCC.”
Dr. Edward Manning, a computer scientist and one of the main researchers who investigated the profiles, believes that he found the greatest evidence of the falsehood of the lesbian profiles by using means of logic.
“The most obvious evidence that these profiles of ‘hot lesbians’ are fake,” stated Manning, “is that hot lesbians don’t use Myspace. They are too busy have hot lesbian sex. This goes for straight women as well. Hot chicks don’t know the difference between a computer and a stove. Nor do they know how to use either.”
After this statement, Manning could be heard muttering under his breath, “God damn feminist wife not making me my goddamn dinner.”
According to the deeper implications of the study, the “hot lesbians” on Myspace are in fact men trying to get real hot lesbians to talk to them, and perhaps even send them dirty pictures.
On many such “hot lesbian” accounts, it is posted that no men should try to contact the “hot lesbians” or try to add them as friends because they will be denied. This, it is believed, is just another way of limiting the number of guys they talk to and increasing the number of people they believe to be “hot lesbians.”
“What these people impersonating lesbians don’t understand, or refuse to believe,” Said Dr. Philip Benton, the team’s psychologist, “is that all the ‘hot lesbians’ they are trying to get with are, in fact, other lonely men themselves.”
Screen names such as, but not necessarily including, “Lick My Pussy”, “I Love Pussy”, “Lick My Tits”, and “No Guys Allowed” are examples of, according to Benton, “retarded, under-sexed, perverts imitating how they believe lesbians talk, even though they don’t really speak in such a way.”
Dr. Franklin Pierce, the scientist responsible for surveys and illegal profile hacking, uncovered his side of the findings. According to Pierce, many of the men who have lesbian profiles also have their own real profiles.
“In a few cases, after using my mad hacker skillz,” said Pierce, specifying that skillz should be quoted with a ‘z’, “I was able to obtain the real name and picture of the man who was behind the hot lesbian profile, and then took a picture from said lesbian site.”
He took a survey of 100 men. First, he showed them a picture of a guy, and asked them if they would ever message this guy. The response was overwhelmingly ‘no’. Then he showed them a picture of the guy’s alter-lesbian-ego, not disclosing that it was in fact a picture from the fake site of the man they previously said they would “never talk to.” Almost 100 percent of them time, the guys fell all over themselves and said that they would message her immediately, and all agreed that they would do anything that “girl” asked them to do.
“This leads me to the conclusion that not only do guys act like lesbians try to get up close with girls, they also make other desperate guys do things for them in the guise of a lesbo,” said Pierce. “It is the consensus of our team that that shit’s just fucked up.”
When asked about the pictures that the “hot lesbians” had on their sites, of them kissing and doing other “lesbianic” acts, as Mitchum referred to them as, Mitchum had this to say: “Those are, almost without exception, fake. Pictures found on the Internet are sometimes used, or the loser whose site it really is will pay some girl to pose and or kiss another girl.”
“We’re not saying all the Myspace lesbians are really men”, clarified Manning. “Some of the pretty ones are, and most of the ugly ones are. We’re just saying that the really hot ones are fucking liars-the impossibly hot ones. They are impossibly hot for a reason. They are dudes with too much fucking time on their hands.”
“I have no idea why I was involved in this study.” Said Dr. Malcolm Richards, the biological physicist. “I guess they thought I was a biologist or something. Maybe they thought I had specific knowledge of gender or anatomy or something. Well, I don’t. I didn’t do shit during the whole study.”
Richards was later heard saying, “even though I didn’t do shit on the study, it opened my eyes. I am totally not jacking off to hot lesbian profiles on Myspace anymore. Fuck that.”
