New Political Attack Ads Offend “Mormons,” “Broads,” and “Blacks.”
By Zach “Capek” Seemayer
A shocking new series of negative advertising from the presidential candidates has swept across many states in a staged-release that has pundits debating and constituents shocked. From allegations of corruption to personal attacks insulting candidates’ families, many political figures now think that this election has set a dark precedent in American politicking.
The mudslinging began with Mitt Romney’s subtle accusations of corruption in the McCain camp. “It sure is strange how McCain was nearly out of funds three months ago and has now had this incredible rebound,” said a dark-suited Romney in a recent political ad. “I, however, have never taken kick backs or dirty money!”
However, this attack seems to be the tamest of all. Some women have found Barack Obama’s ads highly offensive. The ad opens on a black screen with a deep voice over, booming, “Do you really want a broad to be president? What if she periods all over the big red button, and accidently starts WW-III after pushing it while trying to clean it off? Do you want that to happen?!”
In possibly a bad response, instead of criticizing Obama’s actions, Hillary Clinton has produced an ad that many have found incredibly offensive. The ad shows a large cotton field from the 1850s with slaves working the field, when a deep voice echoes out over the scene. “The reason you do not want to vote for Obama is two words: White Slavery.” At this point in the ad, all the slaves working in the field become white men and women in tattered dress clothes, bound in chains. The voice over continues, “We all know the blacks are all still pissed about it, so whose to say that once they get power they won’t want revenge? Do you want your children sold into servitude?”
Many republicans, not wanting to get left out of the vicious dog fight, have upped the ante as much as they could. Huckabee, a staunch conservative Christian, has released a damning ad, slinging incendiary accusations against Mitt Romney. With Huckabee standing in front of a flag with a cross super-imposed over it, Huckabee is walking around like Patton. “Romney is a Mormon! Do you know what those people believe? From what I hear, they eat babies, rape cats and hit elderly people over the head with sacks of oranges. I heard Romney actually did all three in one night and to one family in Wisconsin! If he wins, cat rape will be mandatory, and none of our babies will be safe. Mormons across the country will be allowed to stalk the halls of maternity wards, helping themselves to dinner, and dozens of elderly people will wash up from rivers, dead from blunt force trauma! Don’t Be A Sucker, Vote For The Hucker!”
In a strange maneuver, Huckabee also attacked the former candidate Fred Thompson, with a short ad which states “Although Fred Thompson already dropped out like the pussy he is, I still think the guy is a douche. Just wanted to let people know.”
McCain, despite comparatively low funds, has been able to make short ads that shows a parrot, with a necklace that says “Giuliani”, squawking “Nine-Eleven” over and over for two minutes. Even political pundits agree that this is one of the most accurate ads out of all of them.
The only candidates not running any ads have been Giuliani, John Edwards and Ron Paul. Giuliani has tried but could not find any actors willing to soullessly manipulate 9/11 to the degree Giuliani wanted. Edwards is a decent human being, and Ron Paul is busy doing whatever drugs he obviously loves, and is having a merry adventure in Groovy Town with his pet rainbow unicorn and his friends, the Wagga Waggas. Sources close to Paul’s psychoanalyst indicate the Wagga Waggas look like big blueberries. When Paul is on a bad trip though, the Wagga Waggas grow fangs and make him cry.
